cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
