It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
