I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
