I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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