you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
