So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
