this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
This is the high leading the old right now
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
