the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
