I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
