Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
