mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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