make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
