dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
