so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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