The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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