i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
