totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
