he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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