we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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