so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
