I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
