I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
