OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
