I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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