God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
