can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
