ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
