If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
