Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
