I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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