Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
