why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
home. puking in laundry basket.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
