i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
