Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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