My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
