I'm going to jail i love you
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
