Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
