Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
