I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
