and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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