don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
