The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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