I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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