She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
