Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
