she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Randomize
