Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
