ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm like, not good at living.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
