I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize