let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
