i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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